094: Tour de Lance for President.

One year when the Tour rolled around (pun intended) I conned my girlfriend at the time into getting cable just so that "we" could watch the Tour. Granted I coded it in secret speak of Dog Whispering, late morning Ellen, and even a Sex in the City or two. But I think she really knew the truth. That every night I was going to come home and sit in my chamois, stink up the place, eat too much pasta, drink beers with Floyd, and really just LIVE the Tour de France.

What happened? I haven't watched one minute of the Tour de France yet.

I'm actually trying to hold off for as long as I can. I Gave up on the likes of Cycling and Velo Newses a while back. Pez I thought would fill that void. But it didn't, so I kind of just stare up at the sky and wonder whats going on in the world of professional cycling... actually I was just thinking about this new PBS hat.

So, I started asking around to find out what is going on. This is the heart of journalism right? That's what we're all after here. The story. The next story. Breaking the story....

Well, Steven told me that Cancellara won the time trial. Handily.
Joe told me that "the Dish" won stage two. And not only that but the fact that no team could even respond to the train that is Colombia. Roar!

"What about their new kits?" This was my question to him. These are the important things here people. I had read something days earlier that they were talking up their new kit design."They're pretty much the same, minus the abs, and with some green bits thrown in."


Where did their fake abs go? That's what I want to know. How are these Gladiators of the Road supposed to withstand the deathblows from their competitors? What if Cav's fragile body gets tossed into the barriers? Or Tornado Tom suddenly decides to start racing again? What then I ask?

With this open void left in my life, not having to watch the Tour, I found all sorts of ways to fill the time.

First I help up this Mario Cippollini sticker in my backyard and pretended that he was sprinting for the win over and over. And yes, I know that he's got aero bars on. But a boy can dream can't he? I did this for about ten whole minutes. Sometimes closing my eyes and thinking about that striped behemoth wizzing by, sometimes trying to picture the "muscles" skinsuit.

Then I tried to go to a BBQ in my neighborhood. Being new to town I asked my roommate where it was. He tried to look it up on his Superphone and this was all that happened. 007. Like the number of Lance's wins. 7. Then Brian came over and explained that an "infinite loop" is kind of like what goes on in Lance's head..."must win at all costs, must win at all costs, this is MY team, must win at all costs," and it just kind of keeps repeating over and over.

Then I sat down and read this pamphlet (pictured below) cover to cover. Its filled with some pretty good sentiments. I found it attached to our refrigerator the other morning and found myself wondering "has this been here the whole time, or is it new?" Is it pointedly directed at me?
I'm revising it and thinking about putting out a few versions of my own.

-101 Ways to Spend Your Days While Everyone Else is Watching The Tour. (See above)
-101 Ways to Help Lance Win the Tour From Your Home (loose lips sink ships after all).
-101 Ways to Make Love with a Cyclist Without Doing it. (#23 Whisper "you're such a Badger" in his/her ear randomly.)
-101 Ways to be a Gentle-er Lover.
-101 Ways to convince your friends wives that you're not gay
-101 Ways to apply a nice sheen of embrocation to your legs. (these last two should not be used in conjunction with each other.)
-101 Better (Looking) Uses for the Rapha Silk Scarf than I can come up with.

I think that there could be a future publishing venture here. I'll check it out. And once I've got the price quote for "cheesily printed brochure" down I'll let you know and we can settle on one of the choices.

What else can I do to distract myself from watching? Seriously.